MineShaft Bar Jokes 5

In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
In the land of the witless, the halfwit is king.
In war there is no substitute for victory.
Individualists of the world UNITE!
Interchangeable parts won't.
Internal combustion engines are the dinosaurs' revenge
Interstellar Matter is a Gas.
Invisible Systems, Inc. If you don't see it, we made it.
Is it OK to yell 'MOVIE' in a crowded firehouse?
Is it possible to feel gruntled?
Is there life before coffee?
Is this a machine? I don't talk to machines! [Click]
Is this the right room for an argument?
It all looks the same if you're not the lead dog.
It did what? Well, it's not supposed to do that.
It doesn't work, but it looks pretty.
It is always better to sacrifice your opponent's men.
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
It is fatal to live too long.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It really bothers me when people cut me o...
It works better if you plug it in.
It's a fine line between fishing & standing still.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
It's a tough job! ..... So I'd Rather YOU do it.
It's been a business doing pleasure with you.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
It's best to leave quickly when you make noises like that...
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
It's easier to obtain forgiveness than permission.
It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.
It's hard to be serious when you're naked.
It's like Deja Vu all over again...
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere!
It's not pretty being easy.
It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
It's not the money I want, it's the stuff.
It's not the principle of the thing, it's the money
It's okay to be ugly...but aren't you overdoing it?
It's smart to pick your friends, but not your nose.
Its a JOKE, like the funny kind but different.
JFK: I need this motorcade like a hole in my head!
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot.
Junk: stuff we throw away. Stuff: junk we keep.
Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get me!
Just don't tell the asylum you saw me here.
Just how much leg have I got.
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand?
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Kamikaze Pilot Wanted: Experience necessary.
Keyboard Not Found - Press [F1] to Continue.
Killer Rabbit's Motto: "Lettuce Prey."
Kilroy occupied these coordinates.
Kleptomania: take something for it.
Know what I hate? I hate rhetorical questions!
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laughter: The shortest distance between two people.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Lesser artists borrow. Great artists steal.
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it!
Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
Let's split up, we can do more damage that way.
Life - brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
Life is like a Car-wash and I'm on a bicycle.
Life is only as long as you live it.
Life is uncertain...eat dessert first!
Life sucks, but Death swallows!
Likes and dislikes are among my favorites.
Live before you die.
Living poor is best left to those with no money.
Locked coathanger in car. Good thing I had a key.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
M.A.D.D.: Midgets Against Desk Drawers.
Make Headlines..use a corduroy pillow.
Make like a Tom and Cruise.
Make like a baby and head out.
Make like a banana and split.
Make like a drum and beat it!
Make like a tree and leave.
Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.
Make up a language and ask people for directions.
Man has his will. Woman has her won't!
Man invented language to satisfy his need to complain.
Man who get hit by car, get that run down feeling
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloon.
May I please be excused? My Brain is full.
May the Porsche be with you.
May you live in interesting times.
May your life be filled with experiences.
Meditation is not what you Think.
Megabyte: A nine course dinner.
Memory is a thing we forget with.
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
Modem: What landscapers do to dem lawns.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Must Go - My Rotweiler needs its teeth sharpened.
My attention isn't hard to get. It IS hard to keep...
My computer has a terminal illness.
My couch potato routine is honed to perfection.
My fallacies are more logical than your fallacies.
My foolish parents taught me to read and write.
My head is sore, and there's a hole in the brick wall!
My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.
My other computer is an abacus.
NETWORK: What fishermen do when not fishing.
NEWS! Iraqi head seeks arms.
NEWS! Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.
NEWS! Survivor of siamese twins joins parents.
NO! Taco Bell is NOT the Mexican Phone Company!
Never argue with a woman when she's tired, or rested.
Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
Never let your feet run faster than your shoes.
Never mind the facts - I know what I know.
Never say, "Oops!"; always say, "Ah, interesting!"
Never trust a man who can count to 1,023 on his fingers.
Never trust a skinny cook.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Nitrate: Lower than the day rate.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
Not many people realize just how well known I am.
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
Now is the time for all good men to come to.
Now that I've given up hope I feel much better.
OPERATOR! Trace this call and tell me where I am.
Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Ok, I pulled the pin. Now what? Where are you going?
Old age is better than the alternative.
On a scale of 1 to 10, 4 is about 7.
On an electrician's truck: Let Us Remove Your Shorts.
One atom bomb can really ruin your day.
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
One night I came home very late. It was the next night.
One way to better your lot is to do a lot better.
One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
Only cosmetologists give make-up exams.
Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
Pardon my driving, I'm trying to reload.
People say I'm apathetic, but I don't care.
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
Petroleum and coffee had no value a few centuries ago.
Pizza IS the four food groups!
Plasma is another matter.
Please Tell Me if you Don't Get This Message.
Poets go from bad to verse.
Pound forehead on keyboard to continue.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press any key...NO, NO, NO, NOT THAT ONE!!!!!!
Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.
Procrastination: The art of keeping up with yesterday.
Program too small to fit into memory.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Prosecutors will be violated.
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.
Put on your seatbelt. I wanna try something.
Quasimodo is a dead ringer.
Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.
Random order = oxymoron.
Rap music = oxymoron.
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Red ship crashes into blue ship - sailors marooned.
Reduce Carbon Dioxide emmissions - STOP Breathing.
Redundancy: A Politician with an airbag in his car.
Remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
Remember, If you're not in bed by 10:30..... go home!
Remember, Subaru spelled backwards is U-R-A-BUS.
Reputation: what others are not thinking about you.
Road Kill Cafe: You kill 'em, we grill 'em.
Rotisserie: a ferris wheel for chickens.
Round up the usual suspects!
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
Russian Express Card motto: Don't leave home!
SCUD : Sure Could Use Directions
STICK: A boomerang that doesn't work.
STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP! Park elsewhere!
Save California; when you leave take someone with you.
Save energy: be apathetic.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes!
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Science asks why. I ask why not.
Scientists discover life causes cancer.
See how you can be?
Shin - a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Shoplifters with the runs take Clepto Bismol.
Should I weed the lawn or say it's a garden?
Sign on Closed Nuclear Power Plant... "Gone Fission"
Sign on a clothing store - Come inside and have a fit.
Simon says: don't be so suggestible.
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smile... people will wonder what you've been up to.
Smiley faces were meant to be annoying.
Smokey the Bear says, "Strip mining prevents forest fires!"
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually.
Smoking is a leading cause of statistics.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.
Some days, nothing goes left.
Some things have got to be believed to be seen.
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
Something is rotten in the state of confusion.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Speaking only for myself, one of my many tricks.
Spice is the variety of life.
Standing there making a sitting target of himself.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
Sumo Wrestling: survival of the fattest.
Supernovae are a Blast.
Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have!
Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
THE GOLDEN RULE: He who has the gold makes the rules.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Tact: knowing how far to go too far.
Take two crows and caw me in the morning.
Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
That's inches away from being millimeter perfect.
The Lab called,..... Your brain is ready!
The Universe is a big place... perhaps the biggest.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
The best defense against logic is stupidity.
The best defense is to stay out of range.
The best way to win an argument is to be right.
The buck doesn't even slow down here!
The cause of problems are solutions!
The cost of feathers has risen... Now even DOWN is up!
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
The cream rises to the top. So does the scum.
The days of the digital watch are numbered.
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
The fish that escaped is the big one.
The further I go, the behinder I get.
The future isn't what it used to be.
The hangman let us down.
The meek shall inherit the earth, if that's OK with you.
The only thing shorter than a weekend is a vacation.
The pen is mightier than the pencil.
The penalty for bigamy is having two mothers-in-law.
The pendulum has gone full circle.
The rich get richer; the poor get babies.
The road to success is always under construction.
The score didn't really reflect the outcome.
The simple explanation always follows the complex solution.
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
The whole world is about three drinks behind.
The worst thing about censorship is **************************.
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
There are 2 ways to handle women and I know neither.
There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
There is an exception to every rule, except this one.
There is no dark side of the moon. Really.
There is no remedy for fun but more fun!
There is something to be said about me: "Wow!!"
There will be no last bus tonight.
There's no such thing as a free lunch, but you can always find someone willing to treat.
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
Think hard now! Which one is Shinola?
This line intentionally left unjustified.
This mind intentionally left blank.
This program makes me look like a genius.
This sentence is false.
This line was created from many little letters.
This line was reclaimed and is not yet stolen.
Those without heads do not need hats.
Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
Tis better to have loved a short than to never have loved a tall.
To err is human. To really screw up it takes a computer.
To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Todays subliminal message is " "
Tolkien is hobbit-forming.
Too much is never enough.
Too much month at the end of the money.
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
Touch if you must, Pay up if you bust.
Toys are made in heaven, batteries are made in hell.
Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
Tried to play my shoehorn... all I got was footnotes!
Truck Pulls: for people who cannot understand the WWF.
Truth is just another misconception.
Tubby or not tubby, fat is the question!
Turn right here. No! No! The OTHER right!
Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, But Three Lefts Do.
Two heads are more numerous than one.
Tire Shop sign - We Skid You Not.
Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible.
Uh, yeah...I MEANT to do that!
Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa bill.
Users, losers -- what's the difference?
Using yesterday's technology to solve today's problems, tomorrow.
WARNING ... drinking tap water can kill your thirst!
WYGIWYD -What you got is what you deserved.
WYTYSYDG-What you thought you saw, you didn't get.
Want a stupid answer? Ask me anything!
War News: Saddam's army blown away by Thai hookers.
Warning: Politicians can damage your wealth.
Was today really Necessary?
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
We are the people our parents warned us about
We have here the latest in primitive technology.
We should limit congressmen to two terms: one in Congress, one in prison.
We take drugs very seriously at my house.
We were unanimous - in fact everyone was unanimous.
We're lost, but we're making good time.
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.
What can you do for me?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What do batteries run on?
What does ignorant mean?
What does this red button do?
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
What goes up has probably been doused with petrol.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
What's Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O'Furniture.
What's another word for 'thesaurus?'
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
When 911 won't work, a .357 will!
When in doubt, think.
Where does weight go when you lose it?
Who cares who's on board?
Why are Chinese fortune cookies written in English?
Why can't we just spell it orderves?
Why do they tell us to watch "The Today Show" tomorrow?
Why do we elect people and then become afraid of them?
Why do we read left to right yet turn pages right to left?
Why does it matter if we all put our pants on one leg at a time?
Why don't ease, lease, and please sound alike?
Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
Why get even, when you can get odd?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Will the sound of one hand clapping still turn off my TV?
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
Without Time, everything would happen at once.
Women - can't live with 'em and no resale value.
Women do come with instructions; ask them.
Women get minks the same way minks get minks.
Work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
World ends today at 9:30 pm! Film at 11:00.
Worry : The interest paid on trouble before it's due.
Would I ask you a rhetorical question?
You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish.
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
You've got to be trusted by the people that you lie to.
Young gorillas are friendly, but they soon learn.
Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art.
[If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses]

hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child...eventually.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can go."
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner and his wife gave him a cold shoulder?
A bratwerst walks into a bar and the barman says sorry we dont serve food in here.
"I have bad luck with doctors. The last one I went to wrote me a prescription. It was for cigarettes!
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
One night I came home very late. It was the next night.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
"I used to live for sex, Now I'd die for some"